David to Sterling: Go Fuck Yourself!

I'm going on a vaycay :-)

My vacation could not be coming at a better time! My job is trying my nerves and I almost burnt down the building today. Sterling's only salvation is that the 12th floor of our building houses LPI Media, the parent company of both Advocate & Out Magazines (among others). I will not be held responsible for delaying the arrival of the monthly reading that my fellow fags & I have come to enjoy & love.

Moving on, did I mention I'm taking a vacation!?! I'm flying to Florida to see my BFF M. Can we say jacuzzi, here I come?! I hope that while I'm basking in the Florida sun, you are having a fabulous Fourth.

Get drunk, be merry, and for midget's sake don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Ciao!

My New Favorite Quote

"There is no punishment too extreme for the crazy bastard who came up with the idea of fidelity."
- Philip Roth

Belief.

In a world of evolution, it has the hardest time evolving.
My parents don't believe in Gay.
I don't believe in Monogamy.
New Yorkers don't believe in New Jersey.
These are all seemingly absolute.
But I also believe that people change,
And that their beliefs have a chance of changing as well.
I believe that every individual continuously evolves;
However, some of the attributes of these individuals
Never seem to evolve along with person.
Some people never change for the better,
And the ones around those people are forced to deal.

A Subject of Frustration

It frustrates me that I, along with many others, expect more from other people than we expect from ourselves.

On a lighter note, go directly to iTunes and download the following:

Don't Cha (featuring Busta Ryhmes) [Radio Edit] by The Pussycat Dolls

&

Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) [Dance Mix] by Big & Rich

You won’t be sorry (or you'll immediately think I'm ghetto)!

Well Maybe Midgets Don’t Like To Be Short…

So I saw this film this weekend called Slutty Summer, a gay flick written, directed and produced by Casper Andreas, who also starred in the film. You gotta love the Sweds. They have given us Ikea, H&M, blond bombshells and now an indie film with a line that I’m spreading around Manhattan like wildfire (see headline)!

Many of you probably know by now about my phobia-turned-infatuation with midgets. I’m thinking about starting a photo project entitled Midgets in the City, a visual chronicle of the blue collar and power midgets of our time. My first in the series is The Peanut Vendor Midget, a visual illusion caused by the milk crate it’s standing on! Next on my agenda: capturing the Barnes & Nobles Sales Associate Midget on its step stool without offending it . And if anyone knows where I can find an Armadillo-Riding Midget, you better let a brotha know. :-)

Deep Thoughts for a Saturday!

The best friend concept is very interesting to me, but only because I have one. I lived the first sixteen years of my life without a best friend, moving from one unsuspecting bystander to another. And while I still am a self-described “friend whore”, I do have a life-long best. M is my rock, the only stable thing in this neurotic and volatile life of mine. My senior year of high school it was A, at one point at UM it was J, then there was C, but M is the crem del a crem, not to be topped in the foreseeable future.

Relationships in NYC are, in my opinion, way more complex than in any other city in the world. Everyone is moving at a fast pace and we (most of New Yorkers) don’t have the luxury of hopping in our cars and jetting to our other’s place for a quick chat, chuckle and/or cumfest. Even friendships here are seemingly accustomed to a much different dynamic. Relative geography plays a large part in it. For example, if I want to hit up my friend’s pad on the upper east or upper west side (or even Hell’s Kitchen)…it’s an event (considering I hate public transportation and rather spend my cash on alcohol rather than on random rides with imperfect strangers that listen to tribal music and speak unknown languages into their cell phones nonstop). I’m sometimes even inclined to pack an overnight bag to prevent the late-evening cash-blowing cab ride home (since a late-evening subway ride is asking for a scary freakfest and/or a random hookup followed by the need for a hepatitis vaccination).

But one absolute truth remains when it comes to human relationships. Priorities always make themselves known and resurface at the correct frequency. The great thing, and sometimes frustrating, thing about New York relationships (platonic or other) is that it’s not considered shady if you don’t talk to an “other” for weeks at a time. It’s only considered a side-effect of an unstable environment created by an island full of fickle people that are consistently trying to be as real to themselves as humanly possible. And we’re not being shallow, we’re just being honest!

And then there is that segment of the population that is totally incapable of committing to anything other a series of less-than-meaningful interactions. I’m afraid I might be a member of that segment! In all honesty, we do spend minimal time initiating relationships and at least twice the time getting out of most of them (or dealing with the remnants left from them in our lives).

This brings up another relational subject. Some people, places & things are only meant to come into our lives for a season. We are lucky to have some of these entities for any time at all. So why is it that when we lose some of these things, we act surprised and become jaded to some extent?

I digress :-)

I Need a Game-Plan

I think there is a very good reason why I didn’t find a job in advertising after moving to New York in March of 2004. It simply wasn’t meant to be.

Imagine spending all the time and energy snagging a job offer only to discover 2 months down the road, and way too many all-nighters later, that the industry you threw yourself into was not your heart’s desire after all!

If I’m completely honest with myself, advertising was the most legit way to exit Mobile in a timely fashion (timely meaning before I killed myself). Could it be that I’m not suited for the industry? Quite possible, I do admit.

I know I love to write, and I know I love keeping up with pop culture, but how does that translate into a career that pays the bills, finances my unhealthy habits, and brings happiness to my jaded and cynical life? The easy answer: be a columnist for a hip magazine. Okay, where do I stand in line?! Down the street, hang a right, walk 2 blocks past Get Real and the line starts there. I hope you brought a book and your iPod, as well as a number to a great crisis hotline, because you might just want to chew your arm off and jump off the Williamsburg bridge (at the same time) before this decade is over!

Yes, I could sleep my way into various circles of power homosexuals and wait for my big break while having a strange dick stuck up my ass, but I prefer to take the high road (the one that keeps me off the hiv radar and allows me to hold on to some degree of non-manufactured dignity and self-worth).

So while I’m figuring out my game-plan, I’m gonna go cook me a double-cheeseburger and begin my uncontrollable anticipation for my TiVo’s hardcore workout this evening. Can we say Adrian Grenier, Lisa Kudrow & Tony :-)

I'm Working On It

I’ve decided that when it comes to human relations, I am a fuck-up! This is why I’m attempting to take a break from initiating any additional relationships for some time, until the time at which I can get my shit together and have at least some hopes to not fuck things up to the same degree I have done so in the past.

I’m not sure exactly what is wrong with my approach, but I know that I have some internal issues that need to be resolved before I’m ready to resurface on the social scene.

Part of the problem is believed to be my lack of self-awareness and my ability to discern what it is I truly want out of myself and the people around me. Another obvious problem is my disability when it comes to expressing feelings and emotions. My non-confrontational nature is considered by many people to be a handicap, and I tend to agree with those people.

How will I be able to clot my internal bleeding and get back on the horse? I’m working on it :-)

Serenity, Courage & Wisdom

I just don’t think you get it. And I don’t believe you ever will. I could use every breath I’ve got trying to convince you that my homosexuality is not a negative thing, but I would suffocate from your ignorance and my own frustration.

I’ve decided to take on one of the philosophies of Reinhold Niebuhr, a Protestant theologian best known for his study of the task of relating the Christian faith to the reality of modern politics and diplomacy:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

My family will never see my homosexuality as anything other than a state of bondage that I gave into and a choice I made easier to deal with by moving to New York.

You want to know my heart? Here it is, open and brutally bare. My heart hates you right now. It wants your heart to hurt as much or more than mine has. It resents you for pushing me away from you, and from Mobile, with nothing but a deep sense of animosity toward everyone and everything I know there. My heart is finding it really hard to love you right now. But I know that in time I will find it easier.

I’m currently trying to move on from certain feelings and emotions of hurt that have served as a barrier for me in just about every arena of my life.

It seems that all the ambition and positive energy that I had stored up after graduating from UM was wasted on getting out of Mobile, leaving little for my current battle with adversity. Was no ambition left after venturing to Miami, arriving in Manhattan, and overcoming my first year on this island that eats people alive? I would say I’m all out of energy, and I’m trying to conjure up more strength. I realize that I can no longer depend on my family for strength or support of any kind, and I’m okay with that!

I know that you feel like you’re supporting me through your prayers, letters and phone calls, but some of those things are doing more harm than good. For instance, I don’t need to see a copy of my salutatorian speech, which is nothing more than a series of carefully rehearsed words spoken five years ago that were written with a target audience in mind. I gave them what they wanted to hear, the story of a Christian boy with a lot going for him. I refuse to continue living the lie that served as a source of bondage for me until very recently.

And some would say that my move to New York was just an easy way out, which has made it easier for me to live the “lifestyle” I have “chosen”. But it was no easy choice to leave the comfort of home. Unfortunately, it was what I decided had to be done for my mental well-being. Has keeping my distance from my family made it easier to deal with certain issues I have? Most definitely. Hopefully with more time and space, more issues will be resolved and more wounds will heal themselves.

I’m afraid that in order to find yourself, sometimes you have to lose everyone else. And although I’m not losing you and you’re not losing me, I must resolve some issues I have before pursuing anything more than a casual relationship with you. I’ve spent my whole life without a certain level of emotional support from my family, and I feel like this time away and distance from me right is more than fair. Keep in mind that while you’ve been dealing with the truth for just 2 months, I’ve been dealing with it, without you, for 22 years.

In closing, I’m sure you guys are looking forward to your trip to NY in July. I hope by that time I will have resolved some of my issues and moved on from some of my resentment. Please be sensitive to my animosity, and don’t fuel its fire by continuing to send useless pieces of correspondence. I know your heart all too well, and this is one case where repetition is not at all effective! It would be in your best interest to take a note from Allison in handling the current dynamic situation we find ourselves in.

Until next time,
David