Chapter OneDarron Mordel rang in the first hours of 2005 at a low-key homosexual establishment by the name of Roxy. He wasn’t your stereotypical celebratory circuit boy, but rather dragged there by the ever-so-dramatic duo of Everrett & Tad in town from Beantown. January 1 marked the end of Darron’s first month in his very own place in Alphabet City. He had spent the previous six months on the couch of his dear friend Jack, but a move from Union Square to his own space was imperative. Darron was convinced that he was on his way to great things in New York City, but found himself possessing a very negative perception of self intensified by extreme jadedness & crippling self-doubt.
Mordel was coming down off a year-long liberation high, approaching his one-year Manhattan anniversary. He was down on men and was content without them, but the second week of the year had him thinking HOW THINGS CHANGE! He met a 29-year-old Latino guy and quickly fell deep into a romance that was doomed from the start. It was a perfect example of instantly going beyond the threshold of return, falling into the black hole of belonging and affection.
January also brought Darron an acquaintance by the name of Joel via Joel’s blog,
The Search for Love in Manhattan: A Gay Odyssey of Neurosis. That discovery was the conception of Darron’s love for blogs and blogging. Every member of Darron’s realm of influence had Joel to thank for his or her daily dose of Darron.
While dealing with the anxiety of falling partially in love, Darron was simultaneously dealing with huge quantities of doubt in his life. He was doubting himself, the world around him, and Truth. This doubt was fueled further by a stalled-out relationship, causing him to call the universe a big tease. The anxiety of unstable human relations in his life took its toll, and the loneliness found him looking to (of all places) his horoscope for insight into this life he was living.
At that point, he was still questioning his later-solidified craziness. He came to the realization that the advertising act might have been more of a way to get out of his hometown, rather than an actual passion he possessed. He was forced to completely surrender that ambition for a while.
February found Darron contemplating the vicious cycle of dating and his six-month tenure at Stern. Little did he know there would be six more months of this torture to come. His condition was self-described as borderline pathetic, positively neurotic. He found himself with an aching emotional and intellectual restlessness, fed by a need for clarity in a muddled, murky superficial environment. He had a sense of thwarted energy and a crippled quest for substance. He was seeing NYC as a place of dreams, more often shattered than realized. His life was one full of nothing exciting, everything blah. A harsh reality was slapping him in the face; that reality being his habit of making bad choices. He was in need of a serious attitude adjustment; to figure out what was important to him, what was not, and what the fuck did he want out of his life.
Chapter TwoHurlyburly came at the perfect time, comforting Darron to know that Ethan Hawke needed some clarity too. Darron still found it quite interesting to realize just how fucked up his head was at the beginning of 2005. No wonder he was looking to planetary energy forecasts of Virgo in hopes of finding a bit of clarity.
Darron came to the realization that Karma plays no favorites and was slightly comforted by the thought that his unknown role as an unsuspecting bastard in regards to men was only a phase. He decided he was fed up with hit and runs, people shooting past him like bullets, grazing his heart. But what was Darron prepared to do about it? He was forced to learn how to head out alone and hope for the best, skip the goodbye, nothing to lose but the reason why.
He was getting to know New York in a more intimate way and coming to terms with the fact that neurosis is the air this city breathes; that it’s packed-full of an unlimited supply of short (and sometimes disturbing) stories waiting to be created, told and repeated. But no matter how intriguing New York still seemed to Darron, he was a wreck; a train wreck that was still in progress. He was having to repress enormous amounts of self-doubt and was feeling number than ever before in his life. Around Valentine’s Day, Darron made a bold decision to cease his dabbling in masochistic dating rituals for a time.
Chapter ThreeEnter authenticity. The self-lacerating sword of authenticity was the only weapon Darron knew how to wield, but his lack of self-awareness left him handicapped. Throughout the whole second month of the year he was in hardcore self-actualization mode, trying to come to terms with unresolved childhood trauma and dealing with his intense inner cynicism. He believed the worst of human nature and wasn’t sure if his view of the human condition would ever change. The word “jaded” comes to mind.
By the end of that month, Darron was left to learn the huge difference between self-evaluation and self-activation. He was doubtful if he was ready for anything good to happen to him, and he felt that he had missed the ship where his career was concerned. Was all hope lost? No, just most of it!
March rolled around and so did a visit from Darron’s parents, intensifying his frustration with life.
At some point in March is when Darron became completely addicted to blogs. That addiction, coupled with a recurring “coming out” dream, helped him gain the courage to do something life-defining later on. But it wouldn’t happen just yet. He first had to learn that his parents’ ignorance was actually their leverage against him emotionally and that a person can’t become his or her true self when you’re living a lie. Darron’s first-year Manhattan anniversary came and went on March 23 and that led into April, which started off with a bang!
Chapter Four
Defining Moment: April 2, 2005, Darron came out to his parents via e-mail (gotta love technology)! Enter disruption and a great reason to start a blog. Very early on Darron’s literary journey, he realized that his homosexuality was not something he was running from, but rather something he had been carrying around. Not anymore!
April marked the resurfacing of Darron’s dating life and the sad realization that he wasn’t ready for it to see the light of day.
He visited Mobile at the beginning of May to the tune of hurt, resentment and much-needed recovery.
The end of May marked the end of the television season and June found Darron questioning his potential and crippled by his thrill of the chase. He learned what it means to protrude honesty at the cost of shallowness and was left asking himself the question, “Maybe it’s me?!” Enter a lack of ambition and a look into his mysterious nature. Dipping into the publishing industry was on his mind, but his habit of making bad choices was at the forefront.
June was filled with a lack of belief and a gradual change of interest, and the end of June had Darron calling for another Boycott/Boi-cott. He was officially back on the market but decided to order a freeze on all transactions. He decided it was time for more detoxification.
Chapter Five
Independence Day brought not only a trip to Jacksonville, Florida to visit the best friend Marty, but also a Southern infatuation and another round of intense self-evaluation. July was a month of growth that also brought Darron’s family to New York for a visit, his first hookah experience, and a new horizon in the form of a job offer. Enter Krusinbond Land + Partners and change.
Early August saw the addition of Brice, the word “fierce”, heightened masochism, and the poverty line. This also was the month Darron had the grand idea to swear off sex until he could get his shit together. Darron was desperately seeking Paxil and anxiously needing to be in some control of his emotions. While trying to refocus some of his bitterness he had another great idea to start a religion, much like Kaballah, called Self Control. It quickly stalled out.
Diverted Labor Day plans for New Orleans made Darron’s birthday weekend and month less-than-stellar (thanks to Katrina). He took his hatred of men and Mother Nature to Boston and celebrated his birthday as a jaded slut whose lame, unhealthy addictions brought him back to New York as empty as ever. At some point in September, Darron found himself overwhelmed by his own existence. He found guilty pleasures to be the only things that could take his mind off his bruised heart and the flukes occurring all around him.
Sixth and Final ChapterCome October, Darron found himself hitting a wall, losing faith in the system and always trying to catch up. The month also brought his first real thought of life after NYC. He found himself wanting to leave the city, or to at least seriously consider its implications. He was feeling unlovable and feeling terrified of issues yet to surface. There seemed to be both a lack of control over his life and a lack of possibility in it. His obsession with all the wrong relationships wore on his soul. The end of October saw the move of Marty to Cowboy Country and Brice to Capitol Hill. Those migrations left a yearning inside Darron for a bit of internal disruption (as though he didn’t have enough already).
He got what he asked for come November. Enter a new subject of infatuation and the realization that he had somewhere along the way lost the excitement of living in the greatest city in the world. While Darron was dealing with his own infatuation in the Northeast, Marty was down South falling in love with a virginal bisexual who lived over a thousand miles away from Dallas.
December unfortunately (or probably fortunately) flew by Darron and the Chrismakkuh season left him with two things: a New Years Resolution to get his shit together in each and every way and a new-found love for the city he called home!
And about those brain cells, Darron always says, “If you don’t use ‘em, you’ll just lose ‘em anyway. Might as well have fun losing ‘em!”
The End
Me as Humpty Dumpty in Central Park 
(-: Yeah, You'll Do :-)
JK, TS, EL & MD @ Max
