At What Point...

…did I turn into an emotionally shutdown, overly sarcastic, deeply disturbed human being? Did I mention immensely flawed and selfish?!

I’m not sure how all this came about, but I’m pretty sure I’m not a huge fan of this cold, cynical, blocked-off man that I’m seemingly evolving into. I could blame my self-diagnosis on nearly four years living in both the greatest and most emotionally trying city on the planet, but (per usual) I think it’s more about me (than the place I choose to call home).

The sarcasm is obviously me deflecting, diverting attention away from any real feelings that might seep out of my body, leaving me even the least bit vulnerable to reality. The Great Wall of China that I’ve successfully built around me is only going to serve to hurt me in the long run. Until I learn to manage both men and emotions, the title of “romantically challenged” (read: slut) will have to suffice.

The selfish party is probably the best part of my diagnosis, but that too could even survive a cutback.

My cynicism is only natural for a New Yorker, but it doesn’t allow time for much else. And it’s becoming increasingly difficult to mix my cynicism with a healthy romantic relationship with someone of the same sex.

Speaking of sex, I can’t remember the last time I had it sober. And that slightly disturbs me. On one hand, this means I haven’t had an online hookup in almost a year (a good thing). On the other, it scares me to think how much great sex I haven’t been able to remember due to my inebriation getting in the way.

Are meaningful sex and romance two things I’m just not incapable of? Nonsense, I know. But that’s what it feels like. It also feels like if I don’t have some of this romantic, meaningful sex soon, I might give up on it altogether.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not ready to start making babies and get married (or is it vice versa?!), but someone to care about romantically could be good for my outlook on other aspects of this so-called life I’m trying my best to get in (and keep in) order.

I just have to keep in mind that the world isn’t out to get me, and neither is every guy that I have met or will meet in the future. Someone in that mix is destined to make their way into my bed AFTER they make their way into my heart.

At least here’s to hoping (for the first time in a while)…

Mikey’s D’s End-of-Year Visit to the Concrete Island I Call Home

After a full week in a cabin with three Southern Baptists and only my flask to numb the pain, I was excited to be immediately submerged in a visit from my best-friend-in-the-world Michael (from P’cola, FL). He actually beat me into Laguardia by about four hours; just long enough for him to get a nice buzz going at Phoenix, while he waited for my sober ass to throw down my bags and take a short cab ride up to 13th & Ave A.

After a few cocktails, served up by the dyke bartender and her friends, the pre-party moved to Splash (don’t judge)! Of course the night wouldn’t have been complete without us running into two of my favorite C’s, Carlo & Carter (not to mention Mr. Shay who I MIGHT have made-out with on the dancefloor).

The Friday morning sun came way too soon, but we were able to conjure up the energy to trek to TKTS to get our hands on two Spring Awakening tickets for the 8pm performance. After securing the goods for $64/per, we headed south to another madhouse, Century 21. MSD picked up a scarf, I drooled over some Kenneth Cole slip-ons, and we headed back to my place just in time to chill for two seconds, freshen up, inhale some Chinese delivery, and do some tattoo research on our way to the theatre.

About Spring Awakening – can I just say that nothing since Aida has changed my world from the stage like this incredible piece of work. WERK! I have the soundtrack on constant replay and I can’t wait to see is (and that guy’s ass) again!

After taking in “The Bitch of Living”, we headed down the street to Therapy where we met up with CW before heading to the Ritz for some dirty dancing with some other locals that enjoy sweating on each other in confined spaces.

Saturday called for brunch at Sidewalk Café and a set of tattoos! Inkstop on Ave A is where we decided to put our money where our mouths were. No minimum. We walked right in. Oh, and the tattoo artist (which happened to be the owner of the place) was hot in a tatted up/dangerous kind of way.

After the painful damage was done (not before me needing Oreos to revive my hungover ass), we wandered around the EV & Soho (see pic below) until the time came when we needed to go home and change for the night’s festivities. Dinner was at Lips, an experience that is arguably not worth the money (the check for 3 ppl was $200), but was definitely a great time. Thanks for All Beef Patty for the great service!

After wrapping up dinner with Mikey D and the resident Mess (who’s should be on suicide watch), we headed to Posh, Therapy and (I think) Barrage to meet CW. I faintly remember paying $3 for a cocktail, so it might have been just a dream.

Sunday brunch proved to be quite telling, in that a 3pm reservation (organized by Carlo of course, and pictured below) turned into a 6-hour-plus booze fest that moved from the dark caverns of the Sunburnt Cow…to the slutty serenity of my apartment…to my old home at Verlaine. Sorry, Gary (the bartender), for the inappropriate display of genitalia. Don’t ask, ‘cause I don’t remember a thing. :)

The extended Sunday booze-fest with Carlo, Abe & the Nazis (featured above) proved to be detrimental to my Monday, seeing as I had to work the Project Management skeleton shift at the office until 3pm (on New Years Eve…crazy, I know!). I had the mega-shakes for most of the day, but MSD stopped by for lunch at Peep so that helped a bit.

NYE was reserved for a quiet dinner on Ave A and dancing with Tom & EJ at Rush (pics below), the seemingly revolutionized space previously preoccupied by Heaven and the twink set. I had a total blast celebratory-grinding with my bestie and one of my favorite couples in the world. I ended up taking home a loner and waking up with a splitting headache. Happy Fucking New Year!

I spent the first half of New Years Day wanting to die and the second half trying to get my life together. After Mikey D left for the airport (around 3), I was able to finally start cleaning up the mess that had been there since before I left for TN (you might here more on my trip down South later).

Overall, a NYC visit for the record books (or at least my next scrapbook)! Love you, Mikey D. Come back soon. XOXO

Cheers to MMVIII

A new day. A new dawn. A new chance to fuck up a perfectly good year. And most likely I will. But cheers to trying not to do so in the first few weeks of 2008.

One of the best pieces of advice I received this past year came to me via a fortune cookie:

“Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.”

The truth is that I’m scared shitless of both. I’m scared that another 365 days are going to fly by without being able to see any significant progress in every arena in my life. At first glance, the theme of 2007 for me was LACK OF PROGRESS. It is sickening and nauseatingly pathetic, but maybe I just can’t see it…

Not that I didn’t make ANY progress in 2007, because I know I did. But the points of progress are very vague and seemingly insignificant when I look back over my double-o-seven. I guess personal evolution can sometimes be overshadowed by the lack of professional and financial progression.

And how are you supposed to define progress? Is it different for everyone, or is it just the rate that fluctuates from person to person?

Well, dictionary.com defines it like this…

prog•ress
noun (and verb)
1. a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
2. advancement in general (v. to advance)
3. continuous improvement
4. growth or development (v. to grow or develop, as in complexity, scope, or severity)
5. the development of an individual or society in a direction considered more beneficial than and superior to the previous level
6. forward or onward movement
7. the forward course of action, events, time, etc. (v. to go forward or onward in space or time)
8. developmental activity in science, technology, etc., esp. with reference to the commercial opportunities created thereby or to the promotion of the material well-being of the public through the goods, techniques, or facilities created
9. increasing differentiation and perfection in the course of ontogeny or phylogeny (in biology)
10. an official journey or tour, as by a sovereign or dignitary

My continued inability to discern what I want out of life (and make progress, as I define it) has me stumped. I’m stuck in a holding pattern and the life traffic controller won’t give me clearance to land (read: I’ve been taxiing for years and haven’t been given clearance to take off).

“As tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.” – Grey’s Anatomy

It seems like I’m waiting for something, but I don’t seem to be looking out for it. Am I afraid of the next big thing? Could I actually be afraid of what I want? Could it possibly be any worse than what I’m living today?

Most times it’s easier to stick with the familiar. I’m currently living the definition of insanity. It’s only a matter of time before my beautiful routine turns into a nightmare of repetition and the insanity I’m living destroys me.

That said, I must learn to embrace the uncertainty (and instability) while developing an escape/evolution plan. Coming into my own will simply have to wait. I must work to conjure up the motivation to make significant progress by changing my life one day at time (like they tell you in AA)!

Before I divulge my official resolutions for Q1 of 2008, I’d like to share with the world the top 20 quotes of 2007 (as I remember them). Some weren’t spoken, written, or otherwise in 2007, but they made me smile and/or write them down in the past year. If you didn’t make the cut, that doesn’t mean you made no impact on me over the past 12 months. It just means that I didn’t write down your brilliance in my journal and therefore have no record of it!

Enjoy (if you don’t get some of them, you shouldn’t).

20. “The gayest thing about you is me.” – Happy Endings
19. “I want to buy the world a dime bag.” – JK
18. “Maybe it’s not the drugs; maybe I just hate my life!” – Me
17. “We need this!” – Grey’s Anatomy
16. “Don’t quit your gay job.” – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
15. “Sometimes you don’t need to go to the party; you just need to know you were invited.” – Me
14. “There is a tide in the affairs of men.” – "Julius Caesar"
13. “The first time it was a mistake; from this point on it is a choice.” – Private Practice
12. “You do not merely want to be considered just the best of the best. You want to be considered the only ones who do what you do. – Jerry Garcia
11. “I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Winston Churchill

Are you inspired/lost yet?

10. “If you can’t take the heat, fuck in the living room.” – Me
9. “Hell hath no fury like a David Watts Miller scorn!” – Me (inspired by Gossip Girl)
8. “I’ve never fallen in love, and I’m not sure if I want to. Maybe someday?” – Aiden Shaw in “My Undoing”
7. “The Silent Samba is easier than the Talking Tango.” – JK
6. “The word ‘lovers’ really bums me out unless it comes between the words “meat” and “pizza”. – Tina Fey on 30 Rock
5. “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.” – Skinny people everywhere
4. “I need more out of this relationship than I’m willing to put in!” – Strangers with Candy
3. “I feel that emptiness; you know, like when your freezer has no vodka left in it!” - Me
2. “Everything before ‘I Love You’ just doesn’t count.” – Carrie on SATC
1. “I’m not a stop along the way, I am the destination.” – Blair on Gossip Girl

Drum roll please……….

David Watts Miller’s Resolutions for MMVIII –

1. Get ahead (I’m still defining what this means exactly, but here’s a start!)
- Get a grip on where my life is headed, and change the path as needed.
- Get out of credit card debt.
- Get a new job (after figuring out what my plan for career transition/development should be).
2. Be more emotionally available (to people that genuinely deserve my emotions).
3. Do one thing per week that reminds me that I live in the greatest city in the world.
4. “Live to the point of tears.” – Camus

Coming soon:
-Best songs of 2007
-State of the Union

-Recap of my holidays (including Mikey D’s trip to the big city for New Years)

The pics preview above will have to do for now!

And remember...when in doubt, WERK!

xoxo

DWM