I Have a HUGE Decision to Make...

Small

Medium

or Large ?

I need a change, and I believe the first change might be coming in the form of a new do.

The options -

1. Buzz it, keep it simple, and feel free to wear a beanie during the Winter months to come.

2. Cut it, keep it short and spikey, and find the change elsewhere.

3. Grow it, grow it out, and deal with the consequences of hair in my face.

Can you tell I'm leaning toward the buzz?! 'Cause I am. I just need to invest in some clippers in order to economically maintain it.

I'm giving myself a week to decide. Next weekend is the deadline. We shall see. I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck!

The First Day of Fall

“Autumn is a second Spring when every leaf is a flower.”
~ Albert Camus, Algerian-French author and philosopher.

On this first day of Fall, I’ve been left alone with my thoughts and the realization that I’ve been falling from grace for some time now (and I’m not talking theology here)! I’m talking about the seemingly effortless elegance of form and manner in which I used to carry myself. Or maybe it never seemed effortless to anyone, and I’m just becoming increasingly harder on myself as I grow older. All I know is that I’ve never been this lost in my entire life. They say that age is just a number, but my number is clouding my mind. Growing up sucks, if that’s really what I’m doing!

Why is life so damn hard? Or maybe the more appropriate question is why do I make it so damn hard? There I go blaming myself again.

One of Camus’ famous one-liners is, “Live to the point of tears.” Well, the crisis of self that I find myself in compels me to do nothing else but cry myself to sleep, but I can’t seem to push the tears out. But I don’t think that’s what Camus meant. I believe he was encouraging those around him to live their life in such an intense way that they move themselves (as well as those around them) to equally-intense emotion. I’m not there yet…but I think I want to be.

It’s going to take much more questioning, introspection, and self-development on my part, but I mustn’t allow all this deep-tissue work to overwhelm my present. Camus also once said, “You will never be happy if you keep searching for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you keep looking for the meaning of life without living it.”

Fair enough. Smart guy, this Camus. He also added, “One recognizes one's course by discovering the paths that stray from it.” This is getting closer to something I can handle today. So I’ll start here.

*Disclaimer – I’m not strong enough to follow through with suicide, so you shouldn’t be worried. Unless you’re Jewish, and then I would expect nothing less!

I’ve lost my direction.
Getting farther and farther off course.
Unable to get my bearings, to catch my breath.
Close to giving up all hope of doing so.

Dreams displaced,
Map misplaced,
Afraid to feel,
Too tired to deal.

Hiding more than seeking.
Hating the world more than ever.
Angry at everything & nothing at all.
Searching for something I’ve never seen.

Lacking focus on my future.
Not knowing what I need.
Knowing even less what I want.
Lost amongst the leaves.

Life passing me by.
Restless.
Frustrated.
Projecting.
Stalling.

Spiraling downward.
Doubting my decisions, abilities, readiness and, most detrimentally, my self.
No balance or center.
Losing my grip.

Trying desperately to remember how I got here and why I came.
Experiencing something more than normal anxiety,
One too many suicidal thoughts.
The world seems as unfamiliar as ever

Wrecked.
Trashed.
Abandoned.
Pressing on fervently, or as fervently as I know how.

A rebel without a cause.

Another wise person once said, “Change the perception and the reality with follow.”

My perception is stagnant and totally fucked up right now, but this I know. I need a life change; but, more specifically, I need a career change.

The problem –
There’s not an obvious vessel for my passions. What are my passions you may ask? Well, that’s another problem! I’ve given advertising a try, and I’m doubtful if that’s where I’m supposed to spend the next ten years of my life. The sad truth is that I’m a lazy mother fucker whose work ethic is fueled by his obligation issues and fear of disappointing those around him. I keep asking myself if it would have helped had I known myself better when I locked myself into a career in advertising at the age of 17, but what’s done is done.

Maybe it’s not the decisions I’ve made. Maybe it’s the lack of decisions I’ve pushed myself to make since moving to New York. I’ve been comfortable for a while, and I’m currently suffering the consequences. I want to make a change, but deciding to make a change and then following through with it requires an extraordinary amount of strength, which is incredibly hard to come by these days.

I’m feeling the suffocating pressure of figuring out how to feel fulfilled and what changes to make. I need to get a grip and set some goals for myself. I need to learn to like more than just sleep, booze and grub.

I need to surrender to the truth that IT’S NOT A GOAL IF IT DOESN’T BUST YOUR BALLS!

And I need to realize that IT’S NEVER AS BAD AS IT SEEMS RIGHT NOW!

And last, but certainly not least, I need to go take one too many pills!

You know you love me. I’m gonna go work on loving myself.

XOXO

Gossip Girl (I mean DWM) :)

Home Sweet Soulful Home

I must say that I am damn proud of my hood for stepping up and being #1 in something, if only for a little while. Read ahead to know the story.

Rounding out the top 10 (& my catty commentary):

2. Chinatown (I smell fish)

3. Washington Heights (The rooftop parties up there are great)

4. Inwood (Not gonna happen)

5. Nolita & Little Italy (The word Nolita makes me feel funny)

6. Hell's Kitchen (Gaaaaayyy!)

7. East Village (Ave A is the new 2nd Ave)

8. Lower East Side (love love love)

9. East Harlem (East here means Spanish)

10. Greenwich Village (What's not to love?!)

That's all. Just had to share!

On an unrelated note, Gossip Girl premiered last night to my rave reviews. It would be considered a guilty pleasure, but that's what my life is built around, right?! Wednesday nights on the CW. Watch the show, be the show.

The Boys of Summer (TV) are Gone

So, usually summer is known as a time for drought where quality television programming is concerned. But this past season gave me enough to talk about and plenty of male meat on which to feast my eyes.

The hit of the summer was, of course So You Think You Can Dance’s third season. Season 2’s Benji’s sister Lacey and Travis’ adopted brother Danny both made it into the top 4, but neither had what it took to steal the title away from the well-deserving Sabra.

The guy rounding out the top 4 was one of my summer crushes, Neil Haskell. The 20-year-old stole my heart away with his smile even before his shirt came off! Random fact - he has a twin that doesn't dance at all. Can we say Abercrombie poster?!

In late-breaking news, love is in the air for Lacey and Hok (yes, the crasian b-boy), who have both confirmed they are dating. However, it wasn't until after fellow third-season finalists spilled the beans on them that they personally revealed their romance. Good for them, or at least him (she’s hot).

Then there was the cute ABC Family drama Kyle XY about a mysterious orphan/teenager, without a belly button, who is taken in by a social worker and her family. Kyle proves to possess superhuman powers, and of course the bad guys are after him. In the show's sophomore season, the female version of Kyle (Jesse) showed up to stir up some trouble, and I of course have developed a crush on Declan (played by Chris Olivero), the (now ex)boyfriend of the daughter (Kyle’s faux-sister). Chris is a 22-year-old hottie married to actress Alexandra Picatto as of 2006. I couldn’t find a picture online of this bitch to save my life. F*** her!

Then there’s ABC Family’s Lincoln Heights, the story of police officer Eddie Sutton, who moves his family to a troubled inner-city neighborhood where he grew up in an effort to make a change in his community. Blah blah blah, I know, but the jungle fever kept me watching. The Suttons are African American and the oldest daughter finds comfort in a cracker by the name of Charles (played by 22-year-old Robert Adamson). So effing cute these kids. And I have to admit Charles is the only reason I started watching this one (2 episodes before this season’s finale)!

And THEN there’s Greek, my favorite dramady of the summer. Leave it to ABC Family to hijack my summer! This, the first season of Greek, was ten fun-filled episodes of collegiate life revolving around the Greek system at Cyprus-Rhodes University (Go CRU!). The show follows the drama of 1 sorority and 2 fraternities in particular. I naturally would go for the president of the slacker fraternity. His (nick)name being Cappie, played brilliantly by another 22-year-old, Scott M Foster.

Is it just me, or am I getting old? All this deliciousness is 22-or-younger and are already d-list celebrities. Life is, confirmed, not fair! But I digress…

I’m sad to see them go (we’ll have to wait ‘til 2008 for these guys', as well as the boys of Entourage's return), but am wildly excited about this Fall. Shows I’m looking forward to:

Mondays -
Prison Break with the hot brother duo (9/17, 8pm EST on Fox)
Weeds is already well underway (10pm EST on Showtime)

Tuesdays –
House with our favorite fake American accent douchebag (9/25, 9pm EST on Fox)

Wednesdays -
Private Practice with the gorgeous Kate Walsh (9/26, 9pm EST on ABC)
Gossip Girl with hot people in general (9/19, 9pm EST on the CW) &
Dirty Sexy Money with that girl from the OC (10pm EST on ABC)

Thursdays –
Ugly Betty with a new love interest for the gay assistant (9/27, 8pm EST on ABC)
Grey’s Anatomy with the new crop of interns (9/27, 9pm EST on ABC)
The Office with it's stellar comedic cast (9/27, 9pm EST on NBC)
Big Shot with that delicious Dylan McDermott (9/27, 10pm EST on ABC)

Fridays -
Friday Night Lights, appropriately moving to Friday nights (10/5, 9pm EST on NBC)

Saturdays –
this is where I either go out and get f***ed up, or catch up on my DVR! SNL debuts 9/29, so that will be on my calendar as well.

Sundays -
Brothers & Sisters with Kevin finally getting with Senator McAllister's brother (9/30, 10pm EST on ABC)
And then there’s the new gay couple on Wisteria Lane, but whatever.

In other news -
One Tree Hill will be back in January on Wednesdays for its 5th go (22 new episodes) after fast-forwarding four years and all the "kids" being in different parts of the country. October Road is fortunately also scheduled to be coming back midseason.

Sadly, I predict the biggest failure of this coming season to be K-Ville. Set in New Orleans, where the remains of Hurricane Katrina still lay, K-Ville centers on the NOPD as they try to reclaim and rebuild the city. Borrr-ing!

Oh well, here's to a happy & healthy new TV season. Hopefully all the programming goodness with help me stay in more and save some green. Oh, and I'm thinking about buzzing my hair again. More on that next time.

DWM out.

Katrina: 2 years later / David: 25 years later

Last Sunday I turned the big two-5, and it’s been doing quite a number on my psyche. Nervous breakdown plus quarter-life crisis, with a splash of chronic self esteem issues. A great mix for a suicide watch!

As some of you know, I spent my birthday (the Labor Day holiday) weekend in New Orleans for what has become a tradition of sorts commemorating my first appearance on the scene. Southern Decadence is always a great time…and the name says it all. But this Decadence may have been my last for a while! I’m sure that’s just the physical, mental and spiritual hangover talking, but nonetheless I’m left with mixed feeling about the weekend.

It probably wasn’t the best idea to lead-in with a visit with my fam in Alabama. It always tends to catapult me into a nasty rut. Maybe next year I should follow decadence with a detour to see the fam, instead of this year’s vice versa.

(the following was written the day I returned from N’awlins)
I hate what I’m feeling right now.
Empty, yet full (of toxic energy).
Slightly used, but mostly useless.
Lost in an emotional Bermuda Triangle of confusion and uncertainty,
with no where else to go except closer and closer to my glass ceiling.
Change is imperative, but change comes at a cost.
My next step is to discern what that cost is and if I’m willing to pay it.
(the end)

These are seemingly desperate times in need of incredibly desperate measures. The question(s) needs to be asked:

What the hell am I doing (here/with my life)? And what do I want to do when (and if) I ever grow up and get serious about life, love, and the pursuit of goddamn happiness in a world full of people trying to bring and keep you down in order for themselves to get ahead?

Oh, where do I begin?!

While I contemplate the next 5, 10, 20 years of my life, you can enjoy some pics from the goings-on since I last posted (yes, I’ve got to be better about frequency):

I finished my scrapbook of my first 3 years here in NYC. I’m quite proud of it, and it will probably be the jumping-off point for my slightly-fictional-memoir.

Mikey D & Blakey F’s visit was a success, complete with a complementary night stay at the Waldorf-Astoria and my Birthday Brunch at Essex.

My girl Katie left the city life to pursue her Nashvegas dreams. I'll miss you like 90210 bitch.

I visited Bama for a few days, with most of that time being spent in/on Orange Beach. The sandcastle has been provided by my father, the gayest straight man I know.

Like last year at Decadence, JK and I roomed together and Brian & Mike from DC (along with their friend Tim) joined us for parts of the debauchery. I got to see Anthony the native. And does anyone else find it strange that the # of our cab from the airport last year was 666 and # number of our cab to the airport this year was 766. Maybe that's why everything seemed a little off!

And I got flowers! More on this as the story develops.

Until next time...

Here's a link to more pics from last we/I spoke. Enjoy.