2008 to 2009: The State of the Union

Do you ever feel like you’re hiding out? That’s how I often feel about my tenure here on this island. The purpose of me being here seems to have escaped me, and I’m left with little more than a somewhat interesting story.

Why do I feel like my story has already ended and been told by someone other than myself? Why does the history book on the shelf seem to keep repeating itself?

Growing older has to mean something more than aging. If I’m not getting better and wiser, what is the point of all this, right?

I’ve decided I have to change the way I look at things entirely. I’m not talking about changing my way of life (at least not at first), but rather the way I do things.

A change has to come, but contrary to popular belief it is not inevitable. That’s where I must come in. What am I waiting for? I don’t know, but I have an idea the answer is nothing at all.

My current state leaves me confused by my decisions and unsatisfied with my condition. I maintain a decent existence, keep a bearable perspective and possess an unforeseeable future. I’m somewhere between being lost and being found.

I’m in need of something unexpected. Unfortunately not much surprises me these days.

Before I talk about things I CAN change, there are some things that are more than likely to stay the same.

For instance, my commitment issues and single status aren’t going anywhere in my current state of reality. Another year of unrequited love as a confirmed bachelor was not a surprise for me. And now I’m convinced of the need to have a “Do Not Enter Winter” (my newest phrase). But how long before the absence of the weight of a man is more crushing than the weight itself? The truth is I’ve lost faith in the exhausting process, in the volatile game that most gay men play. The library card in my pants is worn out and I feel the need for a sticker that says “Burn Before Reading”.

Another example of something that I can NOT change is my current path at work. The story of the agency I work at in relation to the brand I work on is far more interesting than the relationship between me and the agency. They are both deep stories of evolution, but my perspective has been compromised beyond recognition. I have got to move on before I begin to experience the law of diminishing returns. I have given much of myself, and I must take the education somewhere else in hopes of getting the compensation and reciprocation of respect and loyalty that I deserve. My absence would currently still be felt, and they need to start feeling it soon.

Now for the good stuff.

Things I CAN change (aka things I want for myself) in 2009:

* I want a new job where I make at least half the salary I think I deserve, so I can begin to build the full life that I can still only imagine.
* I want to get in shape physically, so I will be healthier and have more energy to do things I’ve never done before.
* I want to back away from the mirror, whose reflection I have fallen in love with; meanwhile reinvent myself so that the next time I look into that mirror the reflection will be more worthy of my love and affection.

Basically, I want to take better care of myself overall, while taking advantage of the perks that living in the greatest city in the world affords me. I must continue to acknowledge that my destiny may lie far beyond these city limits. But for now, I know that I haven’t used this city like it has used me. And it has not seen the last of me yet.

The mediocrity within me that I’ve been tolerating has been silent, yet toxic. I feel like I’m still standing strong, but I’m afraid I might be slowing sinking.

Here’s to another year, but to a different story; one that not even I could write or fathom at this moment in time.

To 2009. May it bring a hell of a curve ball that I am prepared to get under. Balls to the wall!

Cheers.

DWM

Best of Craigslist > New York

Click here to laugh your ass off.

Here is one of my favorites:

Fingered on the RED line - Columbia University - w4m

Hi!

We were on the RED local line, I got on at 14th Street, you were already on the train. I got off at Columbia University 116th. Around 5PM. It was very crowded and you were behind me. We talked awkardly while you were still behind my back, pushed into each other. I told you I hate being an undergrad, we connected. You ended up fingering me while no one else was noticing. I didn't get your full e-mail. If you see this, let me know. I hope you do! I miss you.

I didn't get you FULL email. Brilliant! :)

We Call It Straight-ar!

Love is Love, and I LOVE this short film. Brilliant!

I'm Thankful For...

…friends who are present when I need them to be, and absent when I want them to be. And for the forgiving cocktails that so quickly and effortlessly erase the time we spend apart.

…a family that attempts to love (the real) me in spite of my (homo) sexual orientation and (“alternative”) lifestyle choices, which go against their entire (religious) belief system. The incapability of certain kinds of love and failure to acknowledge what I do not believe in is something I’m grossly familiar with.

…NYC for being the setting for this so-called life I lead.

…a universe that helped me develop my dream (which included living here) and saw fit to make this dream come true. At least the powers that be got the location right! The more ideal plot line will hopefully follow.

…an apartment that allows me to keep living in the only city I could imagine living in at this point in my life.

…my job for not being completely unbearable in a time when finding a new one seems impossible.

…my cynicism and sarcasm for getting me through the hard times, and my brutal candor for keeping the good times real.

I feel like my life can only get better from here on out.

In the words of one of the "History Boys,"

"I’m not happy, but I’m not unhappy about it. "

...and for THAT I'm extremely thankful!