The Summer of Letting Go

The summer is officially (almost) over. And I’m still standing. I’m more surprised than anyone.

At the beginning of July, I decided to brand this “The Summer of Letting Go” for multiple reasons, which I will list here.

* Letting go of a job I’ve had for nearly 4 years.

It was a perfectly timed ending to a long chapter of a very long book. Towards the end, it seemed as though I was living The Color Purple if it was set on the Titanic. Now that I’ve made it safely off the sinking ship, it’s onto a novel that hopefully will develop into something epic.

I’m about 2 months into my new gig and it’s going very well. There’s no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision. I feel very lucky to have stumbled upon this opportunity, and this is coming from a self-proclaimed unlucky guy.

* Letting go of a friendship that had expired.

I should have seen it coming back in November, and the better part of me did. At this point, the whole thing still seems like a blur. But luckily I have a great support system that acts as both my friends and family. I look forward to bigger and better things with them by my side, both figuratively and literally.

* Letting go of the possibility of (me) maintaining a healthy LTR in the near future.

Of course I say this now, not knowing whom I may meet around the next corner or on tomorrow’s train ride to work. But I’ve come to terms with the facts about my lack of emotional capacity where men are concerned. My next step is to work on better communicating that capacity, or lack thereof, with the men I come in close contact with.

But most importantly…

* Just letting go and having the best time of my life.

Speaking of, two week ago was Carnival week in Ptown and my virgin experience was amazing. The stories were in abundant supply.

Here are a few of my favorites:

• Indulging multiple couples looking for gay-cation threesomes in an effort to revive their fading relationships.
• Being locked out of 25 Winthrop twice and climbing through the window. Twice. Different window each time.
• Mama Fratelli wanting to fix everyone a sandwich in her sketchy motel room, when all we wanted was some pre-parade vodka.
• The tranny aftermath of tagging photos of friends that aren’t prepared for the rest of their world to discover what they were up to on Cape Cod.

And now it’s time for yours truly to turn another year wiser. Or at least a year older. Whatever. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

The fall means positive thoughts of cooler weather, negative thoughts of making it home to see the family and horrible thoughts of the dead cold that is to follow.

But for now, the impending birthday has me contemplating life, lust and the pursuit of a little peculiar thing called happiness.

How would I describe myself at 27?

* A jaded New Yorker, completely devoid of a sense of wonder. Is this what making it looks like? I didn't move the NYC over five years ago to make a name for myself, so why am I here? I wouldn’t know. I’ve become too lazy to care.

* A single, gay man who doesn’t run in packs and is ultimately better off alone. A huge (emotionally bankrupt) part of me has given up on love. On finding a match. A true, supernatural, unexplainable match. I'm over the whole idea of finding someone that holds my attention and also gets me.

Synopsis: I have a great job, a great apartment, but no steady man to call my own. I’ve become a firm believer that you can’t have it all. At least not all at once. But 2 out of 3 ain't half bad. It's 1/3 bad.

Tough love: I’ve become incredibly lazy, especially about my future. I need to start ACTING, and not in the bartend-on-the-side kind of way. I mean in the get-up-off-your-ass-and-do-something kind of way.

It’s funny how your mindset evolves over the years.

Right out of college, this was my favorite quote:

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.”

- Henry David Thoreau

At 27, this have become my new favorite:

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.”

- Ayn Rand in Atlas Shrugged

Some dreams have been realized, and them some are waiting for me in a world I haven’t reached yet. Meanwhile, the vodka will limit the frustration and my friends will light my fire.

It can only get better from here.

Cheers to 27!