Another Anniversary Comes (Out) & Goes

I wrote this long, melodramatic monologue while I was down south last month. It’s taken me this long to put it all together. And I thought it was fitting to post something on April 2nd, which is my coming-out anniversary (yes, I must be big on anniversaries).

Here it goes…

The past few months (& years) have taken a lot out of me, and I’m just now realizing how big that lot has become.

I’ve discovered an overwhelming amount of negative programming due to trauma, caused by what I’m not exactly sure. No matter what the source, my head is a landfill filled to the brim with negative thoughts about myself as well as the world around me. And the negative aura I’m giving off is toxic. How the hell do I recover from this?

A mix of narcissism and self-loathing, I’m highly neurotic and disillusioned. I’ve become disenchanted with the image I see in the mirror and myself as a whole. I’ve lost my identity and have been self destructive for some time now.

Evolution is necessary and that necessary change requires action. Action is most often the only antidote for overcoming fear & doubt, burning through confusion, and changing habits.

In the words of James Morrison, you can’t play on broken string, and this past week was the beginning of my attempt to repair the strings I can fix and replace the ones I can’t.

So, what steps did I take to begin decompressing?

1. Reflect: Never let the world get too small – Being back in Bama, sorting through all my college & high school memorabilia (mostly in prep for my 10-year high school reunion next March), has allowed me the opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come in the past 5 – 6 years, and more importantly, how far I have left to go.

2. Relax: You can only take so much before you turn into stone – Being away from Fantasy Island allowed me the chance to breathe some fresh air and decompress from the stoic state I had found myself in.

3. Release: We all have history we have to overcome – After taking the time to unwind, I believe I was able to release some of the negative energy & stress that had been keeping me from reaching my full potential in every arena of my life.

4. Repair/Replace/Reinvent: Change requires action – Some things are worth fixing; others are not and need to be replaced. Every action I take moving forward and every choice I make along the way will determine the levels of my happiness and my success.

Here are some realizations on career/location & love/lust that I had while I was away:

Career/Location – Maybe I’m having trouble coming up with something else to do and somewhere else to live because I’m doing what and living where I should be. This is quite possible. I do believe I need a change of venue/scenery as far as work is concerned, but I know that I’m not far from the mark in my career path. Could event planning be in my future? Maybe. Could some kind of content production be a good fit? Possibly. But for now, I feel as safe as one can feel in the current economic climate, and for that I’m thankful. My employment status could change tomorrow, but today I’m doing okay and okay will have to do for now.

Lust/Love – My ideal guy is most likely not out at a bar/club night after night. And I’ve finally accepted that my “going out to meet guys” days are over, at least for now. My lack of “luck” in the past few months makes perfect sense. I’m in a weird place as far as what I’m looking for in love/lust. I’m tired of random hookups, but have no interest in settling down with a life partner. This sucks for my sex life, but is best for my mental life. In the words of Cornfed, I’m sure my “bumper crop” will be worth the wait!

So there you have it!

I feel like I’m growing (up), or at least evolving in the best way possible. And that makes me excited about the future.

On an anniversary-related note, I need to post some pics of my 5-year NYC Anniversary Party I had at my place on the 21st of March. Stay tuned.

xoxo