Homeostasis is a Bitch

Carrie B once said on SATC (yes, I’m anxiously awaiting the premiere) that in NYC (and in life in general), you’re always looking for at least one of the following: a job, an apartment, or a boyfriend.

With both the same apartment and job intact for about 3 years now, could it be that the universe has decided to shake it up a bit where the different arenas in my life are concerned?

Does this mean I can’t have it all?

Now I’m NOT saying I have a boyfriend, or even am CLOSE to having one (officially), but I would like to ask this question….

Why is it that once I’m seemingly doing better in the romantic arena (and possibly even happy with my current situation), my job seems to suck more than it has in quite some time.

In the words of my boy MJ, “it’s very premature for me to say that I’m happy in my romantic life. I will say that – at the moment - I feel like my life has a sudden sense of energy that it lacked.”

And I’ve been very restless at work this week. My days off made it extra difficult to wake up the past two days and commute to the place that unapologetically owns my soul. I am always at the mercies of the gods above me. And it doesn't help that these gods lack my respect due to (what seems like) a lifetime of ill-repute. I just wish I had the energy and mental stamina to look for something else right now. My annual review is coming up the end of this month, so we’ll see how I feel after they give me a pathetic raise and no incentive to stay.

Can I have it all? I certainly never have. I’m under the impression that I can…but it’s not easy. The more I am given, the more I have to work to maintain it; the more that is expected of me. For now I’ll maintain my job, and my apartment, and wait to see if the trifecta is, in fact, attainable.

My hopes, as always, are not up. But I’m strangely optimistic.

I Am Legend

Not me, the movie. I finally saw it yesterday (lame, I know) On Demand. It was well worth the $5 I put into the slot machine. The whole theme of the movie was quite appropriate for the weekend I was wrapping up. I took Thursday and Friday off work (personal days) to do absolutely nothing, and it was amazing. I hibernated on Thursday, and then caught a movie (Smart People with SJP) and a museum (the New Museum on Bowery) solo on Friday. My much-needed time alone was nothing in comparison to Robert Neville’s (Will Smith) three years alone in Legend, but it (the film and my weekend) served to remind me of how important human interaction is in my (and everyone’s) life.

The basic plot (which obviously intrigues me or I wouldn’t be sharing with you):

After the spread of a lethal virus, Will Smith’s character (a U.S. Army virologist Lieutenant Colonel) is left (three years after the outbreak) fearing he may be the last healthy human in not only New York City, but possibly the entire world.

By the end of the first year following the infection, more than 90% of the planet's human population died; over 9% were infected, but did not die. The remaining 1% (around 6.7 million), were immune to the virus, but were hunted and killed by the infected, killed by fellow survivors or committed suicide due to isolation.

The isolation Neville experiences is broken only by the companionship of his dog Sam, interaction with mannequins he has set up as patrons of a video store, and recordings of old news and entertainment broadcasts. His attempts to facilitate the human interaction and reaction that he desperately missed and longed for (and fundamentally needed) struck a chord with me.

No matter how good you get at being alone, it will never make you feel as good as being part of a real human connection. As you might have gathered from my last sentence, my recent/current attempt to feel my feelings has been mildly successful. And I’ve learned that when you don’t allow yourself to feel for a while, it’s quite difficult to discern what you’re feeling when an emotion seeps through the cracks of the wall you have created. Needless to say, I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

I must say it feels good to feel again. I just wonder how long this phase is going to last. Surely it’s not permanent. As always, we shall see.

For the record…

Commentary on Smart People – SJP wasn’t very believable as the love interest of Dennis Quaid (who is looking ROUGH), but Ellen Page saved it with her great one-liners and portrayal of a Young Republican/over-achiever in suburban Pittsburgh. I guess Page, and Ashton Holmes, who plays her (cute, in the suburban kind of way) brother, was worth the $12.

Commentary on the New Museum – Amateurish. That’s all I got. It felt like parents night at my elementary school, without the HDs (hot dads). That $12 was ill-spent. Oh well, they tried. Well, at least I did.

What a Difference a Month Makes, Right?!

What was to be a weekend in the city with my best friend in the world, has now turned into a long weekend of self-reflection due to a change in MSD’s plans. I’ve known for a few weeks, but couldn’t bring myself to give back the personal days off from work I had already secured. It seemed like a great chance to spend some quality time with myself, with the city, and away from the capitalist sandbox which takes so much out of me every week.

There have been quite a few developments since my last post. Never could I have predicted what good luck would be awaiting me around the dark and cynical corner. I’ve met someone...but I shall leave it at that. This blog has a history of getting me in trouble with people with which I am romantically involved. Not that it’s not good for an object of my affection to know exactly what I’m thinking; but it does hinder a relationship if the object learns about my feelings online before I have a chance to bring him up to speed. What I will say is that the past four weeks have been very pleasurable due to the current object of my (rarely-exhibited) affection. And just in time for summer!

It’s been quite some time (approximately 18 months) since I’ve felt the need to give in to my emotions. I’ve become known amongst my friends as being a hard-ass, with little interest for anything more that meaningless sex and one-to-two-night stands. But it doesn’t take long, once you start getting to know me, to realize that DWM is not impossible to crack. It just takes the right person(s) to crack me. And like anything else that gets cracked, it’s not long before the crack turns into a crevice, and the crevice turns the original entity into something else entirely.

I’m at a very exciting time in my life, or at least it seems like I am. I have a great apartment, an abundance of interesting friends, a new relationship that shows promise, an approaching three-year anniversary with my agency, not to mention that I still live in the greatest city in the world (no matter what Madonna might say)…

What a difference a month makes, right? It just shows you what a fresh human connection can do for the spirit of a human being. Oh, and the nicer weather helps! Don’t get used to this upbeat tone. I’ll probably be back down in the dumps before Memorial Day. Just sayin’ :)