Reality

Reality Bites is undeniably one of the most “real” movies I have ever experienced. It takes a brutally honest look at life, love and the pursuit of gainful employment in the ‘90s. The realness of it captivates me every time I watch it.

Here’s some signature quote from the film that make me smile:

Troy Dyer: I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.

Lelaina Pierce: I'd like to somehow make a difference in peoples' lives.
Troy Dyer: And I... I would like to buy them all a Coke.
Lelaina Pierce: And you wonder why we never got involved?

Troy: The only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: Yeah, well, I'm not sure who that is anymore.

Troy: [answering the phone] Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent.

Troy: I'm picking up some very strange vibes. They're of the "I just got laid" variety.

Troy: I'm bursting with fruit flavour.

Vickie Miner: He's weird, he's strange, he's sloppy, he's a total nightmare for women... I can't believe I haven't slept with him yet.

Lelaina: Are you religious?
Michael: Um, uh, I guess uh, I guess I'm a non-practicing Jew.
Lelaina: Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin.

Vickie: I'm late for a jean folding seminar. Let's locomote!

Oh, and for all of you who don’t know already, Ethan and I are currently planning our wedding. We are registered and Tiffany’s and Bloomingdale’s. Just ask them for the Miller/Hawke registry! :-)

Catch-22

We as humans tend to want what we can't have. It's a fucked-up phenomenon that drives many individuals crazy on an almost-daily basis.

Another mystery is how sometimes we don't really "want" something, yet we "do" because someone else has it. It's like pointless coveting and so unproductive, yet I am a culprit all too often!

...and why do we seem to find something we're looking for about 3 seconds after we stop looking for it?! (or something good comes back around to us seconds after we become at peace with it and seemingly forget that it existed). And after you get over the surprise the Universe slapped you with, you think, 'Why tha hell didn't I let that go a long time ago?'

These are just a few of the frustrating phenomenon plaguing the human race that I was born into, along with all of you other psychotic bitches and bitchettes out there!

On a more alcoholic note, I told myself at the beginning of the week that I was not going to have a drink until my co-worker T.H.'s birthday bash this weekend. Well, what's a boy gonna do when he walks into his apartment yesterday evening and the bottle calls out to him?! He's gonna rescue the bottle from his lonely despair...then I went out and caught up for the week by going out with the Russian (everyone should have one, like Carrie Bradshaw had Aleksandr Petrovsky)! S.R.) if you're reading, no offense...I had a great time at detention :-) And for all you perverts out there, we are just friends...nothing more!

The point of this story: detoxing only works if you want it to & my 3 seconds are up!

And in breaking news, Alabama produces another class act (click below).

Judgment Day

Less than a week until the Day of Judgment and I have nothing to wear! That Amish boy I slept with last night ran me over with his horse and stole everything I own!

Only kidding, I just thought I would work on putting everything in perspective today. It’s a little exercise I like to call Attitude Adjustment, evaluating your views on your self, the people around you, and basically everything currently going on in your Lifetime movie currently in production! I find it one of the only semi-sure ways to stay semi-sane in the big crazy biopic I’m starring in. Once you adjust yourself to the changes around you, you tend to be more in sync with the Universe and be ready for what It has to offer you.

Last night I was winding down to meet Mr. Sandman and decided to look back through a piece of literature that I have botched repeatedly with a highlighter. A Memoir of Arrival is the subheading for Wesley Gibson’s You Are Here, a book that any green or seasoned New Yorker can relate too! It has some simple, yet profound, quotes that still hit me every time I glance at them.

Here are some of my favorite quotes, not that they describe my situation in anyway:-)

“I was chained to myself…and the biggest part of myself was, regrettably, this writing thing, which felt more and more like an addiction, and less and less like anything as noble as a vocation or a calling”

“In the mirror, I was still recognizably human; but the icy and amphibious blood of a New York trying to survive was beginning to course through my veins.”

“He’d been a young man in New York, diverted by the easy promises the city could make, his heart busy with ones it couldn’t.”

“We live in a time where it is possible for our sexuality to be more integrated into our lives, and not necessarily to be the centerpiece of them.”

“He was the first straight (person) that paid exactly as much attention to my sexuality as I thought it deserved, which was none at all.”

“He didn’t make one move toward me, taunting me with my own desire.”

“He had the tinselly charm of somebody who’s always on the make…My guardian angel told me to put the brakes on the crush…I did my best.”

“We were Southern Baptists, and Southern Baptists stuck to the basics. Heaven. Hell. Do not pass go.”

“…my family, who thought New York was nothing but a concrete island of murderers and the people who loved them.”

“I’m fucked, no lube, no condom, just flat-out fucked.”

I normally don’t recommend books thicker than the GQ on my coffee table, but reading is a great thing when done in moderation!! And I believe reading on subjects you’re not exactly comfortable with makes you a better and brighter person. That's why I'm currently engrossed in The Gentleman’s Guide to the Female Orgasm! :-)

Favorite Comment of the Moment:
“I want to encourage all of you to support David and other gay people in your lives by educating yourselves and by getting to know people of all lifestyles around you.” (Happy Birthday, Dann!)

Click below to check out another book that is a Must Read for twenty-somethings everywhere. J.R., it’s not too late :-) Muah!

Happy Rumspringa!

So, I’ve never been a big fan of the Amish. Even during my family vacation years ago through Intercourse, Pennsylvania, I found it hard to stop laughing long enough to appreciate the strong culture that surrounded me. But what I’m writing about today is the somewhat unknown custom of secular sampling the Amish refer to as Rumspringa, a tradition that would shock the most open-minded American parent!

When they turn sixteen, Amish teens are permitted to leave the community and get a taste of non-Amish life – as much of a taste as they want, for as long as they want – before returning and committing themselves to a lifetime of good, clean Amish living. They are allowed to live free of the strict Amish codes of conduct until they decide whether or not they want to be baptized and join the church. This period of time is called rumspringa, which literally means "running around." Amish parents anxiously await their children's return from it, perhaps comforted somewhat in knowing they have raised them to have strong consciences and high morals.

Do any teens return? What's astonishing is that almost all of them come back. In fact, research tells us that more come back now than ever before. For two years, a woman by the name of Lucy Walker lived among Amish teenagers who were testing the boundaries of their new freedom. Her documentary, Devil's Playground, borrows its name from the Amish term for the American way of life.

The point I’m trying to make here: THEY HAVE A CHOICE!!

I just need to give props where props are due here. This is a great custom! Why hasn’t the Southern Baptist Convention gotten word of this yet?! It’s so damn interesting!

One teenager named Emma, encountered in Lucy’s documentary, was cited as saying, "I'm never going back; that's my personal choice. I still respect [the Amish]. They're still my people. I love my family, but there were too many things that were kept from me."

Amish one-room-schoolhouse education stops at eighth grade. These kids have limited schooling and no gathered real-world experience to draw from at the age of sixteen. Just FYI, this is where the Amish regain their fucked-up status with me. No wonder the retention rate is so high. They make these kids chose at such an early age that most of them are completely overwhelmed and pick the easier option, doing what they’ve done their whole lives.

Think about this for a moment: When it comes time to decide, are they making the choice to join the church or are they making the choice to be with their loved ones?

Amish teenagers are forced to choose between a cold but interesting outside world and their families, between a life of solitude and a life of direction. If the teenager chooses to join the church and subsequently leaves, they are shunned. They are no longer welcome in their own homes. They must leave their friends, their families and their communities.

In conclusion, I WAS NEVER GIVEN A CHOICE, BUT SHOULD HAVE HAD ONE (not screaming, just venting)! Where as my homosexuality is not a choice, a person’s religious beliefs should be. I was never given a choice by my parents to make my own decisions regarding religion, and obviously that is coming back to bite them (and me) in the ass. I might be over-exaggerating my situation, but that’s my prerogative!!

This post is just something for everyone to think about. And if you’d like a list of my sources, f-off because I’m not getting paid to write this bullshit, and therefore did not keep track!! :-)

In unrelated news, click below to check out the film I saw this weekend, Mysterious Skin.

Movin’ On

I took the day off of work today in order to be totally unproductive! Days like these are great for such things as sleeping late, vegging out, & catching up on your back-logged TiVo recordings!

This has also been designated as the day that I give some deep thought to the current state of mind I find myself in. Self Diagnosis:Deeply Conflicted. That’s how I feel about my childhood, my relationship with my family, and my current career aspirations (the latter will be discussed at a later date).

Our lives are made up of various different support systems.You are born into a family, then you acquire friends, and along the way random other means of support are incurred. Life is a cycle of give and takes. “Life is a random lottery of meaningless tragedies and a series of near escapes” (Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites). To say that any of us are not self-centered to some degree would be bullshit. We all look out for Number One a vast majority of the time. And we all expect something from someone at some point. A large part of our lives has to do with obligation. We are unconsciously bound to certain people and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But if you don’t give, you can’t expect to take!

I no longer am dependent on my family financially. And if they aren’t going to give me emotional support, which would involve accepting my homosexuality to some degree, then what do they have to offer me? Is it their love? “How do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all” (Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex & the City). I can hear the three words over and over again, but there comes a place in time when someone’s love is just not enough!

The question on deck: Are they disposable? The same Carrie Bradshaw once said, “The past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” Will it be anchors away or all hands on deck?! The next few weeks will be extremely telling. If my family finds me and my sexuality to be irrelevant, we have an interesting road ahead of us (if I chose to take it).

One point that I would like to point-out to the people reading this that are still conflicted by my coming-out is this: I haven’t been running from this (my homosexuality). I’ve been carrying it around for my whole life. It’s ridiculous that I come from a place and time where it was, and still is, unacceptable to be whom you truly are.

On a deeper note, the state of my spirituality is uncertain at the moment. I have some issues to work out, seeing as the first twenty-one years of my life were spent learning that I am hated by God. And before anyone says, “He hates the sin, not the sinner,” that’s not the overwhelming subliminal message put out by the religious Nazis I grew up around. And I don’t want to blame my current state of mind on anyone or anything, but it seems the easiest cope mechanism at the moment!

Right now, I’m thirsty for as much perspective as I can get. I’m now exactly sure how I’m going to approach my family face-to-face, but the support many of you have offered up gives me great strength and will not soon be forgotten!

I would like to apologize for the moments of unoriginality in this posting, but I have no problem with gleaming knowledge from other great writers. Learning from the knowledge of others is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my greatest knowledge came from the triumphs, trials, and mistakes of others! And as you may have noticed, I have made a conscious decision to tone down the profanity on my blog due to the sensitized ears of a segment of its readership.

Until next time, keep it real, bitch!! :-)

If the random comments left on my blog by some Anonymous character (which sounds alot like how my mother's ghost writer would write!) are any indication of how my trip to Mobile is going to be, I better make a therapist appointment for May 9th (the afternoon I get back to NY).

I just need to say this: I know who my true friends are, and Mr. Anonymous isn't one!
But the good (i'm stretching) news is that I will be visiting the MOB the beginning of May. My
flight itinerary for all you stalkers out there who would like to reserve a seat next to me:
DL5077 05 MAY DEPARTS JFK AT 940A ARRIVES PNS AT 1120A
DL5579 09 MAY DEPARTS PNS AT 710A ARRIVES JFK AT 1045A

This would be a perfect segway into a discussion about something I got to thinking about last
night: There is a time when you must move away from the bad to receive the better. This mantra can be applied to EVERY aspect of a person's life. I've always been a strong believer in the philosophy that whatever the universe brings you, the universe will bring you through. But I do think that we have to be proactive to some degree. And I have learned that complacency can tear us up inside and change often scares the hell out of us!

I fear that many people from my hometown of Mobile will never be able to really know who they truly are due to the fact they will always have limited perspective. And without sufficient
perspective you can't have insight. I was fortunate enough to have a hunger for something more
than what was given to me. I was proactive and got a taste of what this universe had/has to offer me outside of Mobile.

Someone I met soon after I moved to NYC introduced me to Rousseau's Noble Savage Myth, which goes something like this: Men in a state of nature do not know good and evil, but their independence, along with “the peacefulness of their passions, and their ignorance of vice”, keep them from doing ill.
My take on this is that some people are genuinely happy with their situation due to their own
ignorance. There's no doubt that I am, and have always been, plagued with the knowlege of what else is "out there" and most inhabitants of smaller cities do not have this disease.
Ignorance is bliss, and sometimes knowledge can be lethal. But I will gratefully embrace the misery that comes with knowledge.

On a lighter and completely unrelated note, go Carrie Underwood. And congrats to One Tree Hill lovebirds Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush who tied the knot Saturday at the Casa del Mar Hotel in Santa Monica, California. The bride wore Vera Wang and the groom donned Ralph Lauren.

Yes, I'm insane!

Save the Music

So I love music. My iPod is arguably my bestest friend in the world, which reminds me that my baby is getting a lil' worn out. I'm afraid I will have to soon break down and impregnant my iPod and produce an iPod Mini! After more than a year of pumping my 40GB hardcore around this island, the time eventually comes when a man has to move on. And I would look so fabulous jogging around the neighborhood with my Mini held by my Mini armband. Stalkers, get your binoculars ready!

This would be great venue to talk about one of my pet peeves. You know how some people assign certain songs to certain people?...and then when that certain person is out of the person's life or changes status in it, the song becomes tainted with a nostalgic disease I like to call bullshit! You know who you are, you sentimental bastards! Before your thought bubble fills with "ass" along with my picture connected to it, I will admit that I am not entirely innocent. Yes, there are some songs that remind me of certain people. But I don’t allow assholes that have exited my life or screwed me over to taint the very greatest of a song!

Currently, I’m addicted to One Evening by Feist (a gift from Canada):

The evening was long, my guesses were true
You saw me see you
That something you said, the timing was right
The pleasure was mine
The time and the place, the look on your face
Sincerest of eyes
If you're ready or not, the state of our hearts
There's no time to take
When we started both brokenhearted
Not believing
It could begin and end in one evening
We were caught by the light
Held on to the day till it became ours
The minutes went by, the cab is outside
There's no time to take
When we parted, moving on
And believing it could begin and end in one evening
When we started both brokenhearted
Not believing it could begin and end in one evening
When we parted, moving on
And believing it could begin and end in one evening

Clarification

I would just like to know what kind of spineless bastard would post a comment on my blog and not sign their goddamn name to it?! (explicits meant for emphasis!)

This blog is not a place for you to force your belief system(s) on me. This blog is a place where I rant about my life...and you either place an original comment that you didn't hear in Sunday School or stay the fuck out of my goddamn business! (again, for emphasis)

It's as simple as this: If you want to convert the masses, get your own blog!

On a lighter note, I would like to send a shout-out to all the people out in this big beautiful world that have offered up words or support and encouragement as I am dealing with the bullshit that comes with growing up in the Bible Belt. You are my true friends and your love means the world to me! Thank you!

And on an even lighter note, click the link below for a strong recommendation for your next outing to Blockbuster!

Hollaback Girl!

Neurotic Much

My brain is fried for multiple reasons:

1) I have been drunk for the past 72 hours.
2) I had the most emotionally draining phone convo with my mother earlier today.
3) I live in New York.

Manhattan is a city filled with personal battles, millions of people struggling to overcome themselves and the demons around them. We are all at the mercy of this god-damned universe. This city is a blunt instrument dementing my mind. New York will fuck you and leave you and talk about you behind your back. And the most fucked up part, it will leave you desperately wanting more.

New York is not America. New York is not reality. She’s one giant concrete and steel amphetamine. We as New Yorkers feed off scattered conversations and drugs and smiles and those dying the slow death of alcoholic tuberculosis. Neurosis is the air this city breaths. The city breeds more neurosis than she breeds rats. New York makes people smaller then they are; lops off limbs and chokes arteries; makes people impotent and atrophied and callused and limp. We thank her for every lashing.

A sometimes great and often disturbing thing about this city is that it’s packed-full of an unlimited supply of short stories waiting to be created and told and repeated. The borderline disturbing part about this is that people come and go, in and out of each others lives, most of them never at any point possessing intentions to stay for a substantial amount of time.

If you're not a New Yorker, than you don't understand. But you might agree that I have been in need of Therapy for a long time. Last night it came in the form of a trendy gay bar in Hell's Kitchen. I started the night off with a Psychotic Episode and chased it away with Delirium.

And two nights ago I found myself in Brooklyn. Don't worry, it was Williamsburg where the locals are pretty harmless! Long story short...David + vodka + fratguy = ya gotta love Brooklyn!

In conclusion, thank goodness my boyfriend Boone from ABC's Lost got killed off of the show this past week. He now has more time to spend with me! And can we please talk about how funny I find it that after all the Desperate Housewives cat-fighting about Teri Hatcher being in the middle of the pool-side photo for the cover of Vanity Fair, that bitch is still in middle of the cover due to some flap-cover trickery that I'm sure has Marcia Cross wanting to break into killer-lesbian mode. Did I mention I have a fetish for pop culture?!

Oh, an I'm addicted to Grey's Anatomy. Big suprise! Paging Dr. Shepherd...

It's About Damn Time!

Spring is in the air and Yankees baseball is uniting New Yorkers once again. And on a more important note, we will soon be experiencing the return of outside patios and the exposure of bronzed bodies that they welcome!

Your checklist should now include: gym membership, tanning package, & a new credit card for the new clothes you’ll need to make the other beautiful people take notice.

Disclaimer: I am not endorsing or condoning sauna-cruising, ultra-violet radiation and unnecessary debt. I am simply pointing out suggestions to make yourself fell better! That's what friends do.

On a unrelated note, I would like to send a heart-felt shout out to Michelynne, winner of The WB's The Starlet. I anxiously await your small-screen debut on One Tree Hill. For those of you who have never seen the show, consider an edgier Dawson's Creek with stars like the chick from The Cutting Edge (playing the mom) and Chad Michael Murray (need we say more). Check it out. And props to Marianne and myself for having the guts to admit to each other that we were addicted to this show! Don't call us, we'll call you!

Why I Have Brought You Here.

This weekend was a monumental one for me. It included various happenings from cleaning my apartment, to having drinks with friends, to coming out to my parents. If you’re not quite sure what part of that agenda caused this weekend in my life to be labeled monumental, I’ll help you out. I finally told my parents that I am a flaming homosexual (using less offensive terminology, of course).

At this point you are thinking at least one (or some variation) of the following:
a) You’re what?
b) What did they say?/How are you?
c) It’s about damn time!

For any individual with any variation of choice “c” currently in his or her thought bubble, I would like to extend a heart-felt f*** you (but thanks for the support)! Realistically, that is probably the most appropriate response, seeing as I’ve been keeping this secret from them for a psychologically unsafe length of time! But with this new development comes a newly found desire to explore and acknowledge my emotions in a new format. Hence this blog!

For all of you who aren’t familiar with this phenomenon which has been sweeping the nation for some time now, a definition:

Blog – (n) a shared on-line journal; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page.

Since I’m now a New Yorker (I had my one-year anniversary on March 23), I have an incredible muse. This city that I love so much has taught me a great deal about life already. And I can’t wait to see what it has in store for me in the future. This blog will be an outlet for ranting, raving, and rehashing my experiences, emotions and emphatic obsession with alliteration! Feel free to comment or, if so inclined, start a blog of your own. Cheers.