Serenity, Courage & Wisdom

I just don’t think you get it. And I don’t believe you ever will. I could use every breath I’ve got trying to convince you that my homosexuality is not a negative thing, but I would suffocate from your ignorance and my own frustration.

I’ve decided to take on one of the philosophies of Reinhold Niebuhr, a Protestant theologian best known for his study of the task of relating the Christian faith to the reality of modern politics and diplomacy:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

My family will never see my homosexuality as anything other than a state of bondage that I gave into and a choice I made easier to deal with by moving to New York.

You want to know my heart? Here it is, open and brutally bare. My heart hates you right now. It wants your heart to hurt as much or more than mine has. It resents you for pushing me away from you, and from Mobile, with nothing but a deep sense of animosity toward everyone and everything I know there. My heart is finding it really hard to love you right now. But I know that in time I will find it easier.

I’m currently trying to move on from certain feelings and emotions of hurt that have served as a barrier for me in just about every arena of my life.

It seems that all the ambition and positive energy that I had stored up after graduating from UM was wasted on getting out of Mobile, leaving little for my current battle with adversity. Was no ambition left after venturing to Miami, arriving in Manhattan, and overcoming my first year on this island that eats people alive? I would say I’m all out of energy, and I’m trying to conjure up more strength. I realize that I can no longer depend on my family for strength or support of any kind, and I’m okay with that!

I know that you feel like you’re supporting me through your prayers, letters and phone calls, but some of those things are doing more harm than good. For instance, I don’t need to see a copy of my salutatorian speech, which is nothing more than a series of carefully rehearsed words spoken five years ago that were written with a target audience in mind. I gave them what they wanted to hear, the story of a Christian boy with a lot going for him. I refuse to continue living the lie that served as a source of bondage for me until very recently.

And some would say that my move to New York was just an easy way out, which has made it easier for me to live the “lifestyle” I have “chosen”. But it was no easy choice to leave the comfort of home. Unfortunately, it was what I decided had to be done for my mental well-being. Has keeping my distance from my family made it easier to deal with certain issues I have? Most definitely. Hopefully with more time and space, more issues will be resolved and more wounds will heal themselves.

I’m afraid that in order to find yourself, sometimes you have to lose everyone else. And although I’m not losing you and you’re not losing me, I must resolve some issues I have before pursuing anything more than a casual relationship with you. I’ve spent my whole life without a certain level of emotional support from my family, and I feel like this time away and distance from me right is more than fair. Keep in mind that while you’ve been dealing with the truth for just 2 months, I’ve been dealing with it, without you, for 22 years.

In closing, I’m sure you guys are looking forward to your trip to NY in July. I hope by that time I will have resolved some of my issues and moved on from some of my resentment. Please be sensitive to my animosity, and don’t fuel its fire by continuing to send useless pieces of correspondence. I know your heart all too well, and this is one case where repetition is not at all effective! It would be in your best interest to take a note from Allison in handling the current dynamic situation we find ourselves in.

Until next time,
David