Movin’ On

I took the day off of work today in order to be totally unproductive! Days like these are great for such things as sleeping late, vegging out, & catching up on your back-logged TiVo recordings!

This has also been designated as the day that I give some deep thought to the current state of mind I find myself in. Self Diagnosis:Deeply Conflicted. That’s how I feel about my childhood, my relationship with my family, and my current career aspirations (the latter will be discussed at a later date).

Our lives are made up of various different support systems.You are born into a family, then you acquire friends, and along the way random other means of support are incurred. Life is a cycle of give and takes. “Life is a random lottery of meaningless tragedies and a series of near escapes” (Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites). To say that any of us are not self-centered to some degree would be bullshit. We all look out for Number One a vast majority of the time. And we all expect something from someone at some point. A large part of our lives has to do with obligation. We are unconsciously bound to certain people and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But if you don’t give, you can’t expect to take!

I no longer am dependent on my family financially. And if they aren’t going to give me emotional support, which would involve accepting my homosexuality to some degree, then what do they have to offer me? Is it their love? “How do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all” (Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex & the City). I can hear the three words over and over again, but there comes a place in time when someone’s love is just not enough!

The question on deck: Are they disposable? The same Carrie Bradshaw once said, “The past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” Will it be anchors away or all hands on deck?! The next few weeks will be extremely telling. If my family finds me and my sexuality to be irrelevant, we have an interesting road ahead of us (if I chose to take it).

One point that I would like to point-out to the people reading this that are still conflicted by my coming-out is this: I haven’t been running from this (my homosexuality). I’ve been carrying it around for my whole life. It’s ridiculous that I come from a place and time where it was, and still is, unacceptable to be whom you truly are.

On a deeper note, the state of my spirituality is uncertain at the moment. I have some issues to work out, seeing as the first twenty-one years of my life were spent learning that I am hated by God. And before anyone says, “He hates the sin, not the sinner,” that’s not the overwhelming subliminal message put out by the religious Nazis I grew up around. And I don’t want to blame my current state of mind on anyone or anything, but it seems the easiest cope mechanism at the moment!

Right now, I’m thirsty for as much perspective as I can get. I’m now exactly sure how I’m going to approach my family face-to-face, but the support many of you have offered up gives me great strength and will not soon be forgotten!

I would like to apologize for the moments of unoriginality in this posting, but I have no problem with gleaming knowledge from other great writers. Learning from the knowledge of others is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of my greatest knowledge came from the triumphs, trials, and mistakes of others! And as you may have noticed, I have made a conscious decision to tone down the profanity on my blog due to the sensitized ears of a segment of its readership.

Until next time, keep it real, bitch!! :-)