At What Point...

…did I turn into an emotionally shutdown, overly sarcastic, deeply disturbed human being? Did I mention immensely flawed and selfish?!

I’m not sure how all this came about, but I’m pretty sure I’m not a huge fan of this cold, cynical, blocked-off man that I’m seemingly evolving into. I could blame my self-diagnosis on nearly four years living in both the greatest and most emotionally trying city on the planet, but (per usual) I think it’s more about me (than the place I choose to call home).

The sarcasm is obviously me deflecting, diverting attention away from any real feelings that might seep out of my body, leaving me even the least bit vulnerable to reality. The Great Wall of China that I’ve successfully built around me is only going to serve to hurt me in the long run. Until I learn to manage both men and emotions, the title of “romantically challenged” (read: slut) will have to suffice.

The selfish party is probably the best part of my diagnosis, but that too could even survive a cutback.

My cynicism is only natural for a New Yorker, but it doesn’t allow time for much else. And it’s becoming increasingly difficult to mix my cynicism with a healthy romantic relationship with someone of the same sex.

Speaking of sex, I can’t remember the last time I had it sober. And that slightly disturbs me. On one hand, this means I haven’t had an online hookup in almost a year (a good thing). On the other, it scares me to think how much great sex I haven’t been able to remember due to my inebriation getting in the way.

Are meaningful sex and romance two things I’m just not incapable of? Nonsense, I know. But that’s what it feels like. It also feels like if I don’t have some of this romantic, meaningful sex soon, I might give up on it altogether.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not ready to start making babies and get married (or is it vice versa?!), but someone to care about romantically could be good for my outlook on other aspects of this so-called life I’m trying my best to get in (and keep in) order.

I just have to keep in mind that the world isn’t out to get me, and neither is every guy that I have met or will meet in the future. Someone in that mix is destined to make their way into my bed AFTER they make their way into my heart.

At least here’s to hoping (for the first time in a while)…