So, Funny Story...

Last evening C.B. and I attended a reading/Q&A/book signing at Barnes in Chelsea. The book: Gay Haiku. The author: Joel Derfner.

So, the book is a compilation of one-hundred-and-something haiku that every gay man can relate too, not too mention every straight and undecided reader. But more importantly, Joel Derfner is the entity that I have been tracking for some time now through his blog (a link which can be found on the sidebar to your right), The Search for Love in Manhattan.

Not that I'm a stalker, or that this Joel character is extremely attractive
(cute, yes)...it's just that sometimes we as humans find a need to have
sources of mystery in our lives. J.D. is one of my sources of mystery!
That is one of the reasons that I refused to get him to sign my copy of his
first work...the mystery would be extinguished if we exchanged greetings (or even eye contact). :-)

What was quite coincidental about the whole thing is this: We were sitting
in Krispy Kreme (my first love) enjoying some sugar-coated indulgence, when who walks in? Mr. Derfner, I presume. But no worries, no eye contact was initiated!

Okay, so the story wasn't so much funny as interesting and well told! I digress...buy the book and help a faggott out!

Author Unknown

"You know its funny that you choose to rant and rave on a blog...but not
reallly funny...its just very convenient for you because in a blog its very
easy to be emotional and honest and rave since no one is in front of
you...listening and looking and ready to respond back and make you think
like i have. If its much easier for you to be honest and open in a blog, then
maybe that is where you need to go vent and find your answers and disclose what you want to me, since you cant seem to do it in person...or refuse to do it in person."

Of Course It Is...Why Wouldn't It Be?!

The bittersweet time of year in tele-programming is here once again. It's season finale time and
the cliffhangers are like crystal meth, they make you feel great and keep you up all night (not
that I would know what the side effects of crystal meth are...i just hear things). Thanks to one
of my very best friends (second only to my iPod) TiVo, and my current addiction to 10 shows (give or take 2 or 3 series in syndication), this is an emotional time for me and the people I've grown to love. Some of them have been in my life less than a year, but time flies when you share in scandalous acts of infidelty and promiscuous sex (not to mention one count of manslaughter that we are calling self-defense of others). Hopefully Marissa will make bail before the summer's over!

Here's my recap thus far:

Desperate Housewives: Alfre Woodard is already freaking me out and the season finale was only her second episode. And where the hell is the gay son (cut to Justin's apartment)?

Grey's Anatomy: Oh, hell no. Shepherd, that better be your EX-wife or we are through. Call me!

Summerland: It was announced earlier this month that this fabulous drama has be axed my the WB. Two words...those fuckers. Hasn't Lori Loughlin's career suffered enough?! Geez.

American Idol: Tomorrow night is the battle between Billy Ray Cyrus and Martina McBride. Judging by my choice of comparisons, I think you know who I'm pulling for! Vote for Carrie!

One Tree Hill: Tomorrow night is the two-hour season finale. Dan = Dick & Lucas = Lovah...that's all you need to know.

Sex & the City (on TBS): We have now started over with Season One. Oh, how far they went (or should we say came)!!

The O.C.: This past Thursday evening was very emotionally draining for me. When Kiki turned around during the intervention to see (my boi) Seth staring at her with those gorgeous hazel eyes (queue Kelly Clarkson hit), I shed a tear. I felt the love...unlike Kelly C (my baby's mama)!

Best Week Ever: How much do I love Rachael Harris?! Brilliant.

Saturday Night Live: I honestly only watch it for Weekend Update because Tina Fey kicks major ass!

Queer As Folk:The 5th and last season premiered last night. Line of the night: "There's none as fickle as a faggott." True Dat!

Priorities tend to surface now don't they! I obviously watch too much T.V., but at least I admit
to my habitual programming binging.

2 Items of Note:
- A recurring theme this season: Interventions. You writers need to stop having one to many
martinis together on Hollywood Boulevard. That's all I'm sayin' to ya!
-Leave it to the ground-breaking Showtime queers to schedule their season PREMIERE the week of season finales, when so many people (straight and gay alike) are already feeling the withdrawal symptoms coming on: constant paranoia, migraine headaches, chronic vomiting, etc. (BTW: just kidding about the vomiting, expect for those diehard bulemics out there).

And before you say it, I would tend to agree with you if you're thinking I can be pretty shallow
at times. I also can be a little bit racist, discriminatory and all out bitchy (not to mention
shady and unbearable)...but can't we all be these ways at times?!

Someone, please get me a mood stablizer!

Now I need to go eat a muffin :-)

A Dedication If You Will

Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down

One more kiss could be the best thing
One more lie could be the worst
All these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
This seems real to me

You love me but you don’t know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When i know what I'm goin’ through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
this seems real to me

You love me but you don’t know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I know
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you don’t know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t know who I am
You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t
You love me but you don’t know me

GUESS WHO'S BACK & MORE FUCKED UP THAN EVER?!

I'm officially and undeniably fucked up beyond recognition...at least that's the way i'm over-exagerating it!

Before I recap my trip, or as I like to call it "research for my autobiography", most of you are probably thinking one of three things (or a variation of many more):

a) it sure was good to see David while he was home.
b) my cell phone was on the whole time and didn't hear a word from that bastard.
c) that faggot hasn't called me to let me know he's back in the city!

For the "a" people, ditto. For the "b" people, my sincerest apologies. For the "c" people, I'm obviously back so give this faggot a call or continue to wait anxiously for my name to appear on your cellular LCDs. For everyone, some of what you're about to read will be unbelievable and seemingly false. Just know that what they say is true: you can't make shit like this up!

High/Lowlights of my Trip (different from acid, but equally as intense):

The Interpreter: How has a love for Sean Penn evaded me my entire life?! I knew I should have seen I Am Sam. And Nicole Kidman is f-ing brilliant as always. Next on my must-see list is Crash.

The Downtown Mobile Homosexual Reunion: After a stop at Double Olive for some much needed martini refreshment served by a chick that yelled, "Ya'll drive safe," on the way out, we (inclusive of C & E & E) headed downtown to B-Bob's. I was reminded of a few things that evening: I am fortunate to have gotten out of the MOB when I did, I miss the luxury of seperate checks at bars and restaurants, and drag shows don't seem to be valued as much in New York as they are in the dirty South! Ms. C spoiled me from the beginning I guess :-)

The Homosexual-Targeted Sermon: After getting home around 3am with a couple Jim Belushis and Grateful Deads in my system, any call to rise before 2pm would be resented. I arose resentfully to a Mother's Day breakfast and a church service fit for the homosexual that I am. Yes, I do believe Bro. C knew his dick-loving member of the congregation would be in the house!

The Cock of the Walk: Where else would you take a faggot to eat before his christian counseling session? For those of you not from Mobile, and unaware of this phenomenon that specializes in catfish, coleslaw and cornbread, count yourself fortunate!

The Dick At Will: The name of the christian counselor that my mother asked me to go see while I was home was Richard Atwell...go figure! His take on things...I have been deceived. No shit, Elmer Fudd, but not in the way you were implying!

The Rob & Amber Encounter on Delta Flight 5579: If you don't watch CBS's Amazing Race, don't feel bad...neither do I! But lo and behold, one of the final 3 teams that may or may not (I'm not telling!) win on tonight's season finale was on my flight from PNS to JFK.

Which reminds me...For the record, I hate the question, "Have you seen any celebrities lately?" It gets very old very quick! But if I see a celebrity and feel the experience warrants a mention on my blog, you will be the first to know :-)

My acid trip conclusion: I'll get back to you on that!

The Next Book I Will Buy When I Feel Like Making A Planned Impulse Buy:

Steven Johnson's new book, Everything Bad is Good for You: How Todays Popular Culture Is Acutually Making Us Smarter, which TimeOut Magazine claims might twist your shame into a superiority complex. Johnson says that blogs are good because they encourage us to create our own soap operas, as opposed to "zoning out in front of someone else's."

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the Gays of our Lives! If you were hoping for deeper elaboration on any of the aformentioned topics, stay tuned for additional rants in the very near future.

My Last Posting Before Judgment Day!

Approximately 24 hours left before I descend the jetplane for a round of Smear the Queer!

All my friends (old and new) keep reassuring me that everything is going to be "okay". But, my
friends, I am afraid you might all be TERRIBLY wrong!

An excerpt from an email my father sent me earlier this week:

And I quote:

Have I ever told you why I insisted on naming you "David"? I had already prayed for a son and when you were born I felt so blessed. Even before you were born, I dedicated you to God and promised God to raise you up in church as a child of His. You were named after King David. He was a man after God's own heart and a friend of God. Even though he sinned and really messed up, he was still about the greatest king in the Bible. He was a leader, a writer, a musician, a singer and many more great things and was used so very much by God. And you have always lived up to your namesake. And I have always loved you and been proud of you just like God loved and was proud of David. I just thought that was something you should know.

End Quote.

Alright, someone go ahead and shoot me before I'm cast in the sequel to But I'm A Cheerleader!

And before any of you try to say this is sweet, precious and full of love...um NO :-)

The key points I would like to direct your attention to:
-"Even though he sinned and really messed up..."
-The word "have", as in "you HAVE always lived up to your namesake"

Brilliant. Do any of you New Yorkers want a souvenir from Mobile this time around, because I
might not be booking another flight to MOB for quite sometime! (Maybe What-a-Burger?!)

Frustration - a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from
unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs.

Just to reinteriate, the overwhelming support of old and new friends alike has been, well,
overwhelming. My support-system of friends, along with my intrinsic need for independence, makes it possible for me to truly say that I don't NEED any support whatsoever from my family.

Stick that in your Bible Belt loop and smoke it!