GUESS WHO'S BACK & MORE FUCKED UP THAN EVER?!

I'm officially and undeniably fucked up beyond recognition...at least that's the way i'm over-exagerating it!

Before I recap my trip, or as I like to call it "research for my autobiography", most of you are probably thinking one of three things (or a variation of many more):

a) it sure was good to see David while he was home.
b) my cell phone was on the whole time and didn't hear a word from that bastard.
c) that faggot hasn't called me to let me know he's back in the city!

For the "a" people, ditto. For the "b" people, my sincerest apologies. For the "c" people, I'm obviously back so give this faggot a call or continue to wait anxiously for my name to appear on your cellular LCDs. For everyone, some of what you're about to read will be unbelievable and seemingly false. Just know that what they say is true: you can't make shit like this up!

High/Lowlights of my Trip (different from acid, but equally as intense):

The Interpreter: How has a love for Sean Penn evaded me my entire life?! I knew I should have seen I Am Sam. And Nicole Kidman is f-ing brilliant as always. Next on my must-see list is Crash.

The Downtown Mobile Homosexual Reunion: After a stop at Double Olive for some much needed martini refreshment served by a chick that yelled, "Ya'll drive safe," on the way out, we (inclusive of C & E & E) headed downtown to B-Bob's. I was reminded of a few things that evening: I am fortunate to have gotten out of the MOB when I did, I miss the luxury of seperate checks at bars and restaurants, and drag shows don't seem to be valued as much in New York as they are in the dirty South! Ms. C spoiled me from the beginning I guess :-)

The Homosexual-Targeted Sermon: After getting home around 3am with a couple Jim Belushis and Grateful Deads in my system, any call to rise before 2pm would be resented. I arose resentfully to a Mother's Day breakfast and a church service fit for the homosexual that I am. Yes, I do believe Bro. C knew his dick-loving member of the congregation would be in the house!

The Cock of the Walk: Where else would you take a faggot to eat before his christian counseling session? For those of you not from Mobile, and unaware of this phenomenon that specializes in catfish, coleslaw and cornbread, count yourself fortunate!

The Dick At Will: The name of the christian counselor that my mother asked me to go see while I was home was Richard Atwell...go figure! His take on things...I have been deceived. No shit, Elmer Fudd, but not in the way you were implying!

The Rob & Amber Encounter on Delta Flight 5579: If you don't watch CBS's Amazing Race, don't feel bad...neither do I! But lo and behold, one of the final 3 teams that may or may not (I'm not telling!) win on tonight's season finale was on my flight from PNS to JFK.

Which reminds me...For the record, I hate the question, "Have you seen any celebrities lately?" It gets very old very quick! But if I see a celebrity and feel the experience warrants a mention on my blog, you will be the first to know :-)

My acid trip conclusion: I'll get back to you on that!

The Next Book I Will Buy When I Feel Like Making A Planned Impulse Buy:

Steven Johnson's new book, Everything Bad is Good for You: How Todays Popular Culture Is Acutually Making Us Smarter, which TimeOut Magazine claims might twist your shame into a superiority complex. Johnson says that blogs are good because they encourage us to create our own soap operas, as opposed to "zoning out in front of someone else's."

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the Gays of our Lives! If you were hoping for deeper elaboration on any of the aformentioned topics, stay tuned for additional rants in the very near future.