Am I Experiencing a Place-Holder Phase in My Life?

I’ve been feeling a little off lately. Okay, that’s an understatement. But the point is that something isn’t right. What that something is, I’m not sure. And I’m afraid that it might not just be something, but more like everything. Or I could be over-exaggerating my feelings, but just go with me here.

Something is definitely missing where my career is concerned. Actually, that’s just the thing! I don’t feel like I’m developing a career as much as using my current transition into project management as a professional place-holder—one in a long line of positions that keep me housed and fed until I figure out what I really want to do.

I just had my one-year anniversary of employment on August 1, and maybe that’s what has me thinking that it’s time for a change. It’s not that I don’t like (most of) the people, because I do. It’s not that I’m over advertising (completely). Maybe the steep learning curve is scaring me away, but I don’t think that’s it either. It’s more that I’m getting more and more frustrated by the uncertainty that’s flooding my mind in regards to what I want to do with my life.

Is an KBP exodus in order? Probably not soon. But something has to happen, or maybe it already has.

This is not a recent life development, but I have a continual need for newness.

(Everyone together now, DUH!)

It’s not necessarily that I get bored very easily, it’s more that I find many things very boring. It’s not necessarily that I have a short attention span, it’s more that I have a strong opinion of what is worth my attention. For some reason it’s much easier to know what you don’t like than to know what you do like. Likewise, it’s much easier to sense when something’s wrong then to know that something’s right.

I do know, however, that the only way to learn what is right for you is to experience things that are wrong for you. It’s just hard for me to deal with the lack of luck that I possess in the arenas of work & love.

My current situation where relationships are concerned is questionable. I’m in love with the idea of the ideal, and as we know the ideal is always unrealistic. I need to come to terms with a realistic idea of what love will be like when I find it. I’m just afraid that my standards for love are too high, and that my current degree of patience is too low. Where romantic interests are concerned, it’s hard not to jinx a relationship if you know that the person isn’t “the one” (or even “a one”). I find that my tendency to over-analyze hinders me from taking a relationship joy ride.

The “spark” that causes the venture to last more than one night disappears before you want it to, and you're left trying to hold on to something that you view as merely a place-holder relationship. This a disturbing pattern that I find myself plagued with lately. The connection feels good and right for a season. But just like with Mother Nature, seasons never last as long as you want them to. You can’t wait for them to get here, but after they arrive you can’t wait for their departure. And just like with most things in life, you don’t miss them until they’re gone.

This life is so typical sometimes that it’s pathetic, and the easiest thing to do is to be pathetic with it. But I don’t believe that’s a choice for me.

I have to keep looking, or rather keep preparing, for the next big thing. And for now, I’ll lean on the things I know for sure. I know that I’d rather have pain than what I’m experiencing now, which is a lack of any real emotion. I’d rather have the paranoia that drives me crazy and a relationship with chemistry to burn, than the (dis)comfort and restlessness that has to be written all over my face.

I need the paranoia, I need the pain, and I need to get off my ass and make something happen for myself.

I’m glad we had this little talk.

Now moving on to the important stuff, New Orleans is approximately 36 hours away and I’ve already packed my drinking shoes. Also on the list: my party hat, my dance moves and my birthday suit. Things to forget: dignity, inhibition and regard for everything and everyone.

It’s gonna be fucking fantastic. See you there.