This Isn’t Water & I’m Not David

I received an email today asking for a blog update. It made me realize how much I’ve been writing and how little I’ve been blogging lately. My theory is that part of the reason for this lack of conversion of words from journal to blog has something to do with waiting. I’ve been subconsciously waiting for something less dismal to write, seeing as how most of my writings lately have been of the all-too-familiar variety of dim. This theory begs one question: have I developed a fear of putting myself out there emotionally?!

Fuck that shit. Here it goes (brace yourself for dim):

I’ve been in a very strange place lately. I can’t explain it and I can’t seem to find my way out. It seems to be all in my mind, but that’s where it counts, right?

(I’d like to take this opportunity to forewarn everyone reading this: I'm running low on mood stabilizers, and it really could go either way!)

Do you ever feel like you’ve temporarily lost your edge? Do you ever find yourself unfamiliar with your aura? I believe I’m currently in a karmic lull, and I first picked up on the initial signs of this lull after my return from the MOB. No wonder I’ve felt the need to self-medicate more than usual the past few weeks.

Too many times my mind gets tangled up in pending outcomes, and lately I’ve been trying desperately not to initiate any new loose ends (that would further intensify the tangle). And although I’ve been having a disturbing urge to initiate an online rendezvous with someone who could help me escape my current reality for a few hours (you know the kind!), I can’t seem to let myself do it. That’s because I know that doing so will leave me feeling empty/emptier inside. I’ve realized that this is a personal battle that can only be fought (effectively) with a lot of self-reflection (and patience) and a little help from my friends. No one can push through this fog for me. I don’t expect them too either.

Wouldn’t it be great to have the ability to skip to the end where we have everything figured out? Wouldn’t it be great to fall off the face of the earth for a time in order to reset your body, mind and soul? It’s difficult to enjoy the journey when you can’t stop seeing the need for the happy ending that realistically might never come. Forgetting to enjoy the journey (that might end at any moment) is one of human nature’s biggest flaws.

I unfortunately have no choice other than to wait this rut out. And before I figure out what I’m going to do next, I’ve got to work through all the stuff that got me here. Lately I’ve felt the need to punish myself for wrongs I’ve committed against myself. It’s been hard to look at myself in the mirror, and I’m not usually hard on the eyes. I have to find the pain, fear and doubt (some old, some new) and deal with it.

It seems that it takes hitting rock bottom to start any significant life advancement. I feel like that’s what I’m hitting. Or maybe it’s more like a wall. My head is definitely getting it’s time with said wall in a very abrupt and repetitive manner. My only confidence lies in believing that this time will eventually pass.

Someone once told me that I should quit trying to figure out the universe for fear of hurting my brain, but it might drive me to an even greater level of insanity if I stop adding to and subtracting from my theories.

It’s all too much really, this psychology thing. The mind is a funny thing that can be easily lost and quickly found. Insanity has become a way of life, and I’m setting out to find a new approach to this life and its inevitable insanity.